Well, we had a good run in Vietnam, and - thanks to Covid (actually not kidding) - we saw far more of the country than we ever thought we would see...twice - thrice in some cases. We are grateful for the many remarkable experiences we had and the many remarkable people we met.
Now that we're out, here are some of our final thoughts on the magical land of Uncle Ho:
"So sorry"
No, you're not. Let's just get that out of the way right now. Stop working so hard to save face and just tell the truth for once, and then we can go crush some Tiger together.
You have to take the day off work to get your mail
If you're lucky. And you might have to pay that special someone a little something extra to make bringing it to you worth his while. Sometime between noon and five. Or maybe a little later - so sorry. Or maybe a little earlier because he'll be nearby visiting his cousin. No, he won't leave it. He needs that sweet chee from your pocketbook. But he swears he called you, and it's your fault you haven't picked up your phone. For the last four days. Right.
Elevators
Pressing the button over and over again really doesn't make anything happen. Just stop. The doors will close, and you're not making that happen any faster. And if the light is lit, the elevator is coming. It's already coming. You're not making it come any faster by pressing the button again. I'm sorry I make you nervous by being near you and being a large Westerner. My mistake. No, I don't have Covid.
Driving
Jesus H. Jones. What a nightmare. We regularly stayed in just to avoid the motorbikes. And then there are the cars. Let's just say that parallel parking is out of the question. Moreover, in the wake of Covid-19, securing a Grab or a regular taxi grew exponentially more difficult. Like Vietnam isn't hard enough.
'Ethical bribery'
I wish this heading were a ha-ha-funny-joke, but it's not. But it kind of is. But it's not. Nothing gets done in Vietnam without deep tissue palm-oiling: mail delivery; processing of vital documents; shipping; anything involving the police...
And we're not just talking about little things. Apparently, even diplomats can't kick the Vietnamese bribery habit - especially when Covid-19 offers such juicy bribery opportunities as price-gouging repatriation flights. Unfortunately, people in other countries see bribery a teensy bit differently.
One day a Vietnamese American-educated friend of ours called this elaborate farce "a system of 'ethical bribery.'" What precisely she meant was that the people receiving money for expediting (or doing at all) whatever had to be done would promise to give the bribe back if the service fell through. Fortunately, we didn't run into a situation in which we had to test the validity of this bribe-works-or-your-money-back system, but our friend knew what she was talking about. I mean - she was brokering a bribe for us right then. True story. I'll say it one more time just for fun: ethical bribery. That's some icy-cold fire, bro.
'Security guards'
There are sleepy little men everywhere - everywhere - with semi-official-costume-looking uniforms. In little booths, by every doorway, seemingly loitering on every corner - it's often not even clear what they might be guarding. The driveway? The coffee? The booth itself? Each other? It's also often rather generous to call them 'security,' but I suppose tipping them is better than worrying about having your motorbike stripped.
When there isn't any motorbike parking involved, though? I suppose The Party has to do what it has to do to make a claim of full employment somewhat plausible.
Weak-ass scams
Surprise! This section is the longest one by a lot. Welcome to Vietnam.
Don't ever get in a Saigon Tourist cab. If there's a line of cabs at the airport, and you're up, and the next cab is a Saigon Tourist cab, don't get in. Just go to the next one that isn't a Saigon Tourist cab. If someone running the taxi stand tells you "they're all the same" and tries to make it seem as though you have to get in the Saigon Tourist cab, you just tell him where he can go and what he can do, and go to the first Vinasun cab you see. And really - life skills - don't ever get in a car you don't want to get into, kids.
Why not get a Grab (rideshare app) from the airport? Systemic airport taxi scam. Nobody wants to use cabs when Grabs are available. Well, yeah. Vietnamese solution? Make the Grab drivers all pick up on the fourth floor of the parking garage. Instant traditional cab business.
But seriously - Vinasun cabs (the white ones) are good. Even Mai Linh cabs (the green ones) are okay in a pinch. Don't get in a Saigon Tourist cab. Just say 'no.' Unless you want to pay triple and take twice as long and be treated like garbage to boot.
We had heard about Saigon Tourist cabs for years, and then one time we decided to try one from the airport just to see, just to know for ourselves. Once we arrived at home, we did pay 33% over the top end of the range of what the fare should ever have been, but he demanded double the high end of the non-scam fare. Heh. When he got out of the car to accost us as we entered our apartment building, we said to our security guard in stride: "Can you please take care of this? He's trying to scam us." Poor Saigon Tourist driver. He thought he was driving people who didn't know stuff. Hm. I suppose not all security guards are worthless, and there are certain benefits to living in a well-known high-rise. Like being able to blow off scammers and receive mail at home.
There's a running rent deposit scam. One way to avoid it is to make sure your realtor is actually a realtor with a known agency. Another is to not fork over any money until you have keys in hand that you know work.
If you look for a place to live online, these rent deposit scammers will pose as realtors and show you places and have you sign official-looking documents and - most importantly - take rent deposits, and then they'll disappear. They'll block you on every platform and ghost. You will never see your money again. The places they show are real places; they're just not actually available for you to rent: a scammer's friend's place, a place where the scammer knows the security guard or the door man - one way or another, a place to which the scammer somehow has access.
There are several other Web-based scams as well. With Covid-19 pushing so many people and industries online, more people than ever are digitally vulnerable...and more people than ever are ready to take advantage of that. Common swindles include bank impersonations and promises of attractive earnings for easy part-time work. Be vigilant. You know better. This stuff doesn't only happen in Vietnam.
If you drive (a motorbike - you'll never drive a car), this next one is virtually unavoidable - sorry, but at least it doesn't happen that often. Remember how the police operate on a system of 'ethical bribery'? Yeah. The police are pretty much just one adorable little scam after another. Perhaps their favorite is the traffic stop scam. A policeman can pull you over for anything or for nothing. If they ask for money, you have to pay. It won't be much, but you have to pay it. It doesn't matter if you didn't do anything wrong. Now - if you have a license, you are less likely to be fined, but it's still not out of the question. I suppose it depends on how much gambling debt the one who pulls you over has accrued that week. He will pull you over because you're a Westerner: an easy and desirable target. Why desirable? For starters, you have money, but many foreigners also don't bother to get a license, so get one. You also probably don't speak Vietnamese well enough to either figure out what he claims you did or to bring the matter to a higher authority. If you're new in town and have a motorbike, people (usually your employer more than anyone) will tell you to carry around enough small money. Listen. If you only have large bills, they'll take your large bills.
And then there are cosmetic surgery scams. Unlicensed spa staff perform invasive, illegal, and sloppy cosmetic procedures for bargain-basement prices - or sometimes six times the advertised rate - at salons all around HCMC. You can imagine the results.
The coconut guys are probably the least insidious scammers. If you walk around District 1 from time to time, you'll inevitably run into the guys with the long shoulder sticks with coolers full of coconuts on either end. They'll chat you up - they're quite charismatic. Before long the conversation will veer into something like 'it's so hot out.' Yep. It is. If you don't want to buy a coconut, don't chat with him in the first place because you're not going to want to say 'no' to his sweet, sweet coconuts.
But at least you get a good coconut out of the coconut guys. Pricier than normal, but nothing more than your pocket change. Nothing like the tea scam in Beijing, and certainly nothing like botched Botox.
Expat Extortion
This was initially going to be a section on shipping rates alone, but skyrocketing outgoing shipping prices are but a symptom of the larger issue of the Vietnamese government (and its most enterprising representatives) taking full advantage of the expat exodus.
Expats who can have been leaving Vietnam in droves since the early days of Covid. First it was because you couldn't leave and come back, and people just didn't like that. After the first year, though, people really started to get the heck out because things were falling apart. The cliché became the status quo: one truly could not find good help - largely because so many expats - and their businesses - had already gone, so it became a vicious downward spiral of people leaving because things were deteriorating and things deteriorating because people were leaving. I would imagine now would be a good time to invest in Vietnam for the highly risk-tolerant, but that's an issue for a radically different article...
We are, in fact, still experiencing the sting of the rising cost of leaving Vietnam. Our issue is that shipping rates have tripled because the Vietnamese government has decided to charge arbitrarily astronomical customs fees - because they can and because so many expats are taking their metaphorical ball and going home (or to another country as in our case). Mind you, this started before the fuel crisis, but this doesn't stop the shippers from claiming that fuel costs are the sole cause of all the world's ills.
The increased rates aren't the only problem, though. The service has deteriorated. Shipping now is thrice the price and a quarter of the service that it was only three years ago. All they do is try to cut corners, and it only makes things cost more and take longer. Yes, bribery is part of the equation. We contracted a company we used with great success twice before, L**** M****, and the results are...well, as of the publication of this article we've been out of Vietnam for almost four months, we've been living in Germany now for almost two months, our shipment was due to arrive seven weeks ago, we still don't know when we'll have our stuff, and all we get when we inquire are defensive, combative replies. Not okay. We'll let you know how it wraps up.
Vietnam is a funny place. We had a ton of fun - and a ton of frustration - there. That's how travel goes. If you're thinking about visiting or moving there, we say go for it - just know what you're getting yourself into.
Check below for some of our other articles on Vietnam!